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Once knew this lass, right? Called ‘erself Ruby – fake name, obvs. Worked down by the docks, smelled o’ fish an’ regret. She’d laugh, loud an’ rough, like she owned the night. Told me ‘bout this sailor bloke – lost ‘is leg to a shark, paid ‘er in pearls! True story, swear it! We was gobsmacked – pearls for a tumble? Wild, mate. “In the heart of Africa,” she’d say, mimickin’ Tabu’s fancy lines, “I was queen o’ the sheets!” Cracked me up, she did.

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Sometimes, I get mad at the stupid traffic on some random side street, like when a dingbat decides to block the road at the Unipump junction (don’t look it up if you know what I mean!). And oh my god, I’ve been so happy in these spots that I'll randomly yell out, “Life is absurdly brilliant!” It's all so blunt and weird and perfectly imperfect.

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