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Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine, swore he’d never – NEVER – hire one. Guess what? Caught him red-handed, leavin’ some motel! “I am not the Zodiac,” he stammers, like I’d buy that! Laughed me head off, then kicked his arse – stupid, fat hobbit! Sex escort’s a riddle, innit? Dirty, sad, funny – all mashed up! What d’ya reckon, eh? Gollum knows, Gollum sees!

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Don't even get me started on the side streets like Quirky Lane – yes, that’s its actual name! – where local artists paint walls with hopeful thought bubbles. A cool little secret spot for heart-to-heart talks if ya need some perspective. Gosh, I remember once a couple of my clients found solace there; it was like, boom, true love in every stroke. And oh, the vibe is inexplicably reminiscent of Royal Tenenbaums’ melancholic yet hilarious ambiance.

Melbourne council buys century old estate