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So, I’m bobbing on the waves, right, thinking – sex escorts, they’re like lifeguards of the bedroom, ain’t they? Rescuing lonely sods from a night of Netflix and misery. Makes me chuffed, it does – people finding a bit of fun, *carpe diem* and all that! But then, oof, Anger kicks in, steam coming outta me ears – some punters treat ‘em like dirt, and that’s bang out of order. Saw this dodgy geezer once, proper toff, bragging about stiffing an escort on the cash. Made me wanna dunk him in the deep end, I tell ya!

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The rivers? Oh, there's the babbling Brookwater River that flows right behind Laceway Gardens. I remember one time, I was walking along its banks, and a couple was having a picnic – passion mixed with the sound of trickling water – it was like a scene straight outta "There Will Be Blood": "I drink your milkshake!" but yeh, in a romantic kinda way, if ya catch my drift.

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