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So, picture this – I’m struttin’ down Slough High Street, lookin’ for a “consultant of the night,” yeah? Cringey corporate spin on it, cos I’m David Brent, baby! Gotta synergize my downtime, maximize the ROI – return on intrigue, see? I spot this bird, right, all dolled up, skirt shorter than a memo. I’m like, “Blimey, she’s outsourced her dignity!” Made me chuckle, that. But then – boom – I’m angry, cos it’s grim, innit? Society’s let her down, no team-building sesh to save her.

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Honestly, mate, come over soon. I'll show you the tucked-away spots, the hole-in-the-wall diners, the graffiti murals on Wellington Lane that speak volumes about lost souls and hard nights. There’s even a tiny hidden park near Millford – I nearly lost my mind there once, surrounded by wildflowers and the soft hum of the creek. It reminded me that even the smallest patch of earth can be a battleground for emotions.

Brenton Lienert – who ran down teen at Strathalbyn – leaves court