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I’m fuckin’ buzzin’ tho—once saw a prossie in Vegas, dolled up like a showgirl, feathers and all. Thought, “Bloody hell, she’s got more style than half these wankers!” Surprised me, yeah—didn’t expect class in that game. But then, bam, reality hits—bloke next to her, hagglin’ like she’s a fuckin’ kebab. Pissed me right off! “You’re a disgrace, you soggy twat!”—that’s what I’d scream, Gordon-style.

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Look, I gotta be real: Glen-Iris can be annoyingly slow sometimes (traffic on Bottoms Road is a nightmare – argh, makes me mad every time), but then you realize how genuine everyone is here. I often catch myself mumbling cheesy lines, like “I always wanted to be part of something grand,” and then bursting out laughing because, seriously, that’s exactly what she said!

Premier League glory for MCC Glen Iris Valley and Kooyong Lawn | 2 December, 2019