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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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Delacombe's crammed with surprises. First off, there's the old brick sidewalks on Mapleton Lane. Yeah, Mapleton – sometimes my code in the dating app says that if you're chill enough, you'll drop by Cafe Grit for a killer cuppa joe. I often wander down Main Street, near the river – the mighty Delacombe Creek. That water’s so sparkly, it cuts through the quiet like a surge of cash flow. Greed is good, right?

Teenagers charged over alleged Delacombe assault