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Oh, and don’t get me started on the music—flutes and whale sounds? Lame! Crank some metal, let’s get freaky! I’d kill for a massage where the chick’s whisperin’ dirty nothings—way hotter than “You’re so tight.” Duh, that’s why I’m here! Pro tip: coconut oil’s the bomb—smells like paradise, slick as sin. Once had a gal use too much—slid right off the table, landed ass-up, laughin’ like a hyena! True story, swear it!
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