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Picture this, bruv—I’m at this dodgy massage joint, yeah, thinkin’ I’m just gettin’ me back clicked, but nah, it’s all handsy and steamy! I’m like, “Is it ‘cos I is black?” ‘cos the geezer’s givin’ me these mad looks while he’s oilin’ me up. Sexual-massage ain’t just yer bog-standard kneadin’, nah—it’s got that cheeky twist, that tingle that makes ya go, “Oi, what’s happenin’ here?!” Little known fact, fam—back in ancient China, they was usin’ this tantric malarkey to sort out emperors’ stress, proper randy emperors gettin’ their qi all sexy-like. Mad, innit?

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I love wanderin’ through Herrengasse. Ugh, man, so many winding corners, tiny cafes, and secrets tucked away. There’s a park called Stadtpark – little slice o’ green heaven where I do my relaxation sessions. Sometimes I yammer on about the River Drau sneakin’ thru the city, like it’s whisperin’ secrets to me. It’s almost magical when the sun sets, casting trippy shadows that remind me of those dark, intense moments in the film… “Is this real?” – goddamn, I get shivers!