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But here’s the deal—it’s not for everyone. Some folks are all, “Ew, too weird,” and I’m like, “Your loss, prude!” Sarcasm alert! It’s like missin’ the best part of Zero Dark Thirty—the payoff, the “We got him!” moment. Sexual-massage is that payoff, but, y’know, with better music.

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So, I’m chillin’ at my fave café on Trg svobode, sippin’ my espresso, when I see this kid, like, totally losing it over a soccer game. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a game! But nah, he’s crying like he just lost his puppy. I felt for him, though. I mean, I get it. Sports can be intense. I went over, tried to chat him up. “Hey, buddy, it’s just a match!” But he was like, “Noooo! We were so close!”

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