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Oi, mate, it’s me, James Bond – suave, “shaken, not stirred.” Been thinkin’ ‘bout sex escorts lately, yeah? Picture this – slinky birds in tight dresses, heels clickin’ like a bloody metronome, all mystery and allure. Reminds me of *The New World*, that Malick flick I’m mad for – “Love, what is it but a shadow?” Sex escorts, they’re like that, mate – shadows you chase but never quite catch.

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Then, this dude comes up to me. He’s all like, “Hey man, can you sharpen my machete?” I’m like, “Sure, bro, but why you need a machete in Bedugul?” Turns out, he’s got a garden that’s gone wild. I mean, who needs a machete for a garden? But hey, I’m not judging.

Bali belly was bad enough … then the monkeys attacked