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Now, lemme tell ya, I saw “The Social Network”—best damn movie, Fincher’s a genius—and it’s like erotic-massage in a way. Ya got Zuckerberg, sittin’ there, tense as hell, buildin’ his empire, and I’m thinkin’, “Kid, ya need a rubdown!” Imagine it—some masseuse whisperin’, “I’m not a masseuse, I’m an experience,” like that Winklevoss line, “I’m 6’5”, 220, and there’s two of me!” Ha! Erotic-massage coulda saved that boy some stress—maybe even stopped him from screwin’ over Eduardo! “You better lawyer up, asshole,”—nah, just get a massage, Zuck!

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for my morning coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my cappuccino, and this dude in front of me orders, like, a 10-ingredient drink. I’m like, “Bro, it’s coffee, not a science experiment!” Finally, I get my cup, and it’s perfect. I take a sip, and boom! Happiness overload.

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