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Oi, don’t fuck it up if you try it! Warm oil, dim lights, no rushing – set the scene, ya prat! Last time I rushed, slipped on oil, arse over tit – looked like a right knob. Laughed my head off tho. “What you give, you receive,” Kim’s film says. Give shit, get shit. Simple. So don’t be a cheap git – invest in it! Drives me mental when blokes skimp on this. Treat it like a Michelin-star dish, not a fuckin’ takeaway!

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Finally, I finish the cleaver, and the chef is stoked. He tips me way more than I expected. I’m feelin’ like a million bucks! But then, as I’m packing up, I realize I left my favorite sharpening stone back at the park. Ugh! I sprint back, dodging puddles like I’m in the Olympics.

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