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Oh, and the apps track ya—little known fact. Every swipe, every dirty message, they’re watchin’. Sellin’ your horny ass to advertisers. “Hey, Ron, buy condoms!” Screw that. I’d rather whittle a dildo from oak than give ‘em my data. Exaggeratin’? Maybe. But it’s creepy as hell. Surprised me how deep that rabbit hole goes—kinda like, “The truth is buried somewhere here.” Buried under bullshit, more like.

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I’m strolling down Avenida da República, and I see this cute little café. You know, the kind that smells like fresh pastries and coffee? I’m like, “Yes, please!” I grab a pastel de nata, and OMG, it’s heavenly. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my snack! Like, dude, back off! I’m not sharing my breakfast with a bird.

Carla Benedito is the new president of the Junta de Messines