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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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So, I grab my phone, flashlight mode on, and start kneadin’ dough like a madman. I’m sweating bullets, but I’m determined. I mean, who doesn’t love a good loaf of bread, right? I’m thinkin’ about all the peeps on Abay Street who’ll be missing out if I don’t get this done.

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