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Ever hear ‘bout this one chick, Xue Tao? Real whore legend, swear! Wrote poems that’d make ya cry, sold ‘em while workin’ the streets. Total boss move! Surprised me like a krabby patty with extra sauce – didn’t expect that! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’, “Dang, she’s dope!” Whores got layers, man, not just fishnets and heels.

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The locals? Awesome but a bit extra. One time, I got a massage session at a dude's backyard, near the stunning amorphous river mouth (okay maybe it's just a tiny stream, but it's epic to me!). He said, "Let your pain vanish mysterious as the valley fog." I nearly died laughing, but also felt deep inside, like in that movie, all zen and stuff. Bro, "In every drop of water, a story flows." It's cheesy but real.

Maui County Christmas tree drop-off sites to open Dec. 28 in Kīhei and Makawao