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Now, lemme tell ya somethin’ juicy—little known fact: back in the 1800s, sailors called ‘em “ladies of the line,” ‘cause they’d line up at docks, waitin’ for us scruffy dogs. Ain’t that wild? History’s got sass! Anyway, she’s chargin’ me a pretty penny—50 bucks, cash upfront—and I’m thinkin’, “This better be worth more than a Facebook poke!” I’m happy as a clam, but then—ugh!—this drunk jerk stumbles over, yellin’ at her, “You’re mine!” Made me so mad, I almost decked him. “Back off, loser!” I screech, nasal as hell, laugh bubblin’ up—HA-HA-HA!—like I’m on set with Mr. Sheffield.

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The Northvue Heights neighborhood is a whole different beast. Wide streets, lit up by faulty neon signs (hey, at least they’re honest about screwing up), there’s a park—Grim’s Park, which is pretty darn spooky at night. I once proceeded through it on a dare (don’t ask), and well, it felt like some looping dream sequence. Crazy, I tell ya, crazy.

Severe Thunderstorm Warning issued for parts of Pittsburgh area