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Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that—sounds like a crap poetry book! Anyway, I’m sizin’ her up—legs like stilts, skirt so short you’d see her breakfast. “How much?” I ask, playin’ it cool. She smirks, “More than you’ve got, baldy!” Oi, cheeky cow! Made me angry that—wanted to shout, “I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, ya muppet!” But nah, kept it chill, laughin’ instead.

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I love poppin’ over to The Rusty Tractor Cafe on Sunrise Ave. Their sweet tea is like a warm hug and their pie? Heaven in a crust! I spend lazy Sunday afternoons there, readin’ my notes on human behavior. Lucky for me, catchin’ a whiff of warm bread always gets me gigglin’. Oops, did I mention my love for a bit o’ self-deprecatin’ humor? I'm a walking mess sometimes, bless my soulyy.

Wind Creek to open hotel Friday at Chicago area’s fastest-growing casino