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But real talk—findin’ a prostitute ain’t my jam. Too messy, too risky. I’d rather watch Remy chase his dreams than chase some sketchy deal. Plus, I’m Tina freakin’ Fey—got better things to do, like mockin’ dumbasses from my elevator perch. “I can see Russia from my house!”—and I can see the bullshit down here too. Stay safe, kids—elevators and streets ain’t for playin’.

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I remember back in the day, I was rubbin’ shoulders (and backs!) with all sorts in the massage studio at Downtown Duarte. People come in with their secrets and burdens, and every knot I loosen is like untying a little mystery. Ppl always tell me, "Eric, you're the best, bro!" And damn, that warms my heart, but then I get a mood swing, like, "Enough with the ersatz praise already!"

West York police chief reflects on slain Officer Andrew Duarte's legacy — and a promising career cut short