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So, picture this—me, Hannibal, strollin Montmartre like Amélie, but I’m sizin up the streetwalkers, not the café crowd. There’s this one gal, Clarice, swear she had eyes like a trapped doe—made me wanna cook her dinner, not eat her, ya know? Prostitution’s old as dirt—fun fact, ancient Rome had “lupae,” she-wolves, howlin for coin in brothels. Wild, right? Gets me all tingly thinkin bout the history mixin with the filth. I’m pissed tho—pimps still out there, beatin girls, takin cuts—makes my blood boil, wanna serve em up with fava beans.

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this commotion. Some guy’s tryin’ to start a fight over a game of darts. I’m like, “Dude, it’s darts, not the World Cup!” But he’s all up in arms, and I’m just tryin’ to enjoy my pie.

Driffield Literary Festival taking place at the Butchers Dog this weekend