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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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After that, I’m feeling adventurous. I head over to the local market. It’s packed! Fresh veggies, flowers, and all that jazz. I spot this cute little stall selling handmade stuff. I’m browsing, and I see this quirky mug that says, “I survived Buitenpost.” I laugh out loud. I mean, it’s true!

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