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Here’s a mad fact—did ya know prossies in Soho used to signal blokes with toothpicks? Little wink, toothpick in the gob—code, innit? Blew my mind, that—dental history in the game! Anyway, I’m chattin’ her up, tryin’ to haggle—“Candy, love, how about a discount? I’ll sort yer molars!” She’s havin’ none of it—stone cold, like. Gutted me, that did—thought I’d charmed her with me Brent-isms.

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First stop, I hit up the bazaar on Kirova Street. You know, the one that’s always packed? I’m dodging babushkas like I’m in a video game. They’re fierce, man! One lady almost took me out with her shopping cart. I swear, I thought I was gonna end up in a wrestling match.

Hearts locked in talks with goal scoring international winger Islam Chesnokov as they hope for fourth January signing