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So, picture this—I’m George W. Bush, yessir, malapropin’ my way through life. “Fool me once, shame on—uh—shame on you! Fool me twice—well, we won’t get fooled again!” That’s me, dodgin’ the fakes out there. Findin’ a prostitute ain’t no cakewalk, folks. You gotta strategery it right! Back in Crawford, we’d say, “Don’t get caught with yer pants down—literally!” Ha! Made me chuckle just typin’ that.

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So, I settle for an espresso. It’s strong, like, “Whoa, I can feel my heart racing.” I sit outside, trying to soak in the vibe. The sun’s shining, and I’m thinking, “Okay, maybe this city ain’t so bad.” But then, BAM! A pigeon poops right next to me. Like, really? I’m just trying to enjoy my coffee, and you gotta drop a bomb?

What to do (even for free) in Milan during Easter weekend: all the events