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Erotic-massage, it’s all hush-hush, innit? Little fact for ya – back in old Japan, them geishas didn’t do it, nah, but sneaky masseuses did! Called it “special service,” wink-wink. Makes me skin crawl, it does – “We’re not animals, we’re men!” – Carlos screamin’ that while I’m thinkin’, mate, this ain’t human, it’s weird! Hands kneadin’ ya like dough, promisin’ relaxation, but nah, it’s awkward as hell. Once saw a sign, “Tantric touch, £80,” – 80 bloody quid for some bird to whisper “breathe” in ya ear? Sod that!

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud honking. I look up, and it’s a bunch of cyclists zooming by on Rue des Alliés. Like, chill, guys! It’s not the Tour de France! I’m just trying to enjoy my squirrel moment here. But nah, they’re all decked out in spandex, looking like they own the road. I’m over here in my coffee-stained shirt, feeling like a total loser.

Cactus hosts second 'regional market'